My journey to the Catholic Church started when I was a little girl. I grew up in a faithful, Christian home. My entire family was Southern Baptist and as a result of that my parents took the faith seriously. I was taught sacred Scripture learned Bible verses, etc. When I was 6 years old, I asked Jesus to come into my heart. My parents were happy that I made such an important step so I went forward in the Baptist church that we were going to and declared that I was a Christian and wanted to be baptized. For years I thought I was a Christian but I became very disturbed at the age of 10 when the Baptist church that my family was going to showed some movies from the 70's depicting the events that "will occur" at the end of the world. This scared me. I began to doubt if I was a Christian. In fact, I even thought that the prayer that I had prayed (the sinner's prayer) hadn't worked. This was a source of great torment for me.

On many occasions I would ask my parents if I was saved and they would ask me, "Do you believe that Jesus Christ is your Lord and Savior?? Do you believe that He died for your sins?? If you died right now, do you believe that you would go to Heaven?" I would answer yes to all these questions but that didn't take away the torment that I had. Whenever there was something on the news about Israel or a new breakthrough in medicine and technology, I would get very scared. The reasons why is because my dad would like to talk about how some prophecies in Ezekiel, Daniel and the Apocalypse coincided with some current events. He would watch guys like Hal Lindsay, John Hagee, and others that appear on TBN. I would also hear sermons in church talking about the end times as well. As a result, I came to the conclusion that no matter how much I believed, I would still be among the damned when the rapture took place. I thought that I wasn't good enough to be raptured. Instead, I saw myself being left behind, facing God's wrath in the Tribulation when the anti-Christ will come.

I constantly wondered if I was saved or not. In fact, many times I would pray the
Prayer again, hoping that it would work. In fact, when I was 11 years old, in Copperas Cove, Texas I asked Jesus to come into my heart again. This time I was sure that it worked. At least that is what I thought. From that point on, I didn't really have much doubts of my salvation but as I entered middle school, the more uncertain I was. My time in middle school was horrific. By the time I was in 7th grade, I didn't care much about the Lord and serving Him. I went through a time of depression. We ended up going to one church after another every week. It got to the point where I didn't care. However, I did consider myself to be a good baptist and a Christian.

In December of 1991, we moved to Germany. This was quite a different experience for me. In fact, my outlook on life began to change. I wasn't so depressed anymore although I did have other problems which plagued me. By God's grace something extraordinary happened to me that would change my life forever. In March of 1992, I and a group of band and choir students went to England. I immediately fell in love with the country, with anything Medieval, and classical music. I had recovered my childhood love of history (although during my time in middle school, I liked history then too). In later years I had compared it to a pilgrimage. Which is fitting since I went to Canterbury Cathedral where many, many people have gone for a pilgrimage. I became fascinated with Chaucer after going to an interactive presentation of some of the Canterbury Tales. So, as soon as I got home I started to read the book. From that point on, I wanted to learn much more history and literature. I also started to read Shakespeare as well.

As a baptist growing up, I had thought that Catholics couldn't be Christians but some of the characters in the books I read show good, pious people who seemed to be faithful to Christ. An excellent example is the Parson in the Canterbury Tales. Not only that, when I read history of that time, I encountered a Church that was corrupt, full of abuses but there were definitely Godly men and women who stood up for what is right. I also knew that if a person lived back in those times and professed to be a Christian they were Catholic because that was really the only Church around except in the East where the Orthodox Churches were. So, I knew that there had to be true Christians around in spite of the Church that they were in.

When I started to read a lot of stuff on the 16th century, the age of Elizabeth I and Shakespeare,  I found out so many terrible things concerning the protestants. They had the habit of killing each other, desecrating churches, and monasteries. In fact Canterbury Cathedral still bears the scars. So, I wasn't impressed with any of them although I liked Luther more than Calvin. The reasons why was because of his doctrine of justification and the fact that the Puritans, his followers wanted to suppress all dramatic art in England. Hence, there was a danger that Shakespeare's great plays wouldn't have survived if they had got their way fully.

The wonderful thing about reading a lot of history and literature was the change that it wrought in me spiritually. God had by His Grace, lead me back to him through these great works of literature and reading the history behind it. Also, during my time in Germany, my family and I were going to the military chapel. There wasn't much of a choice of which service to go to. To the Army, you were either Catholic or non-Catholic. So, we went to the non-Catholic one and I had then resolved in my mind that I was no longer a baptist but a non-denominational, Protestant Christian. At that time I had already begun to have thoughts as to which church I should go to when I was out of the house and on my own. Even in spite of that though, I still had a fascination with the Catholic Church. There were many questions that I had in my mind that I couldn't adequately get answered. I didn't really know what to think of Her at the time. I still believed that Catholics worshipped Mary, that they believed we are justified by works alone and not faith, that purgatory was a second chance place, etc. I knew that when my time in Germany was coming to an end, that I was on a search, but where? I didn't know.
 

When we moved back to the States (in San Antonio, Texas) we went to a non-denominational church which was started by an ex-baptist preacher who we had known a couple of years ago when we were in San Antonio before. We decided to go to the church that he started since my family liked his preaching.

Although I wasn't to happy about going to that church (I didn't like the kids there much), Friday nights were good. My dad and I who were the only ones interested, went to a messianic synagogue. The service was part synagogue and part charismatic service. I loved the liturgy, Hebrew prayers, and the charismatic singing. I thought to myself, "this is where I will go when I am out of the house." I liked the combination of traditional worship and contemporary praise music. If I couldn't find a messianic synagogue, I thought about going to a Pentecostal or an Assembly of God church. However, I loved the liturgical style and the spontaneous style so I was more interested in going to the messianic synagogue.

My reasons for wanting to go to another church was out of selfish desires and my own personal whims and preferences. I wasn't really listening to what the Lord wanted me to do. Of course, I still had no choice but to go to the church that my family did since I had no way of getting transportation to another church.

Our stay in San Antonio didn't last long though. We moved from there to Ft. Campbell, Kentucky in June, 1995. We again went to a baptist church and as a result, I was unhappy to say the least. I didn't like it there. In fact, I let the people there at that church know that I wasn't a baptist. It was then that I wanted to be in a charismatic church. I even went to the Vineyard, a small charismatic group, on Friday nights with my Dad. I thought that that would be a good place to go when I was on my own. In spite of all of the uncertainty or where I wanted to go, I did know that my relationship with the Lord was increasing. I daily read my Bible and prayed for guidance. I considered myself to be a good, faithful Christian which I was although, when a sermon on the end times was given, I still became very scared and uncertain about my own salvation. At that time I wasn't thinking of looking into what the Catholic Church believed. However, that would soon change.

I graduated from high school in June, 1996 and started college at the local community college that fall. It was then that I started to have more questions about the Church. I knew to well from history that prior to the Reformation, there was really only one Church. However, I was very curious as to how the Catholic Church truly started. In my World Civilization class, my professor told us that the Catholic Church used as a model, the government of the Ancient Roman Empire. Hence, the hierarchal nature of the Church at that time. I accepted that view without questioning it. However, I did have some twinge of dissatisfaction with the answer. It was also at my time in college that I was introduced to the Internet. I immediately found some websites on Scottish and Irish history which at that time I enjoyed learning about (and still do). I was even on a mailing list that discussed European history of the Middle ages although there was some discussion of the 18th century as well. Sadly, my time there at that college came to an end and my family had to move, this time to Orange Park, Florida in June/July, 1997.

With horror and sadness I found out that due to lack of financial funds, I wouldn't be going to college that fall. I was faced with nothing to do. I tried to get a job, putting in many applications. Unfortunately, nothing came up. However, there was one small consolation, my family had subscribed to AOL so I was back on the history list that I had been on previously. It was on that list that I met a very kind lady who has helped me so much and is a very good friend of mine. Her name is Lauren Cleeland. Sometimes we would chat on AOL via IM (instant message). One night, we were talking and she had mentioned something about being a youth leader. I was curious so I asked her if she was a Christian and when she said yes, I proceeded to ask her what church she went to. It was at that point that she told me that she went to a Catholic Church. I admit, I was surprised that Catholics even had youth groups but she seemed to be a committed Christian so that piqued my interest in perhaps finding out what the Church believed. Our conversation went on to another topic but the fact that she was a Catholic was in the back of my mind from that moment on.

It came to the front of my mind one night in September when my parents were flipping channels and they came across EWTN. Neither of us understood what was going on at all. All I remember of it was that it showed a Cathedral packed with people. The Holy Father was kneeling in the center leading the people in praying the Rosary. Of all the decades of the Rosary that could have been prayed at that moment, they happened to have been meditating on the last two Glorious mysteries. I know now that that was of God. If it had been any of the other ones, I probably wouldn't have begun my study on what the Church actually teaches and believes. My parents didn't understand a thing that was going on and neither did I. We thought that it was a Mass and that they were worshipping Mary. I wasn't so sure though because Lauren was a committed Christian. So, I resolved in my mind from that point on that I would do a study to find out the facts and find the answers to this question, "What does the Catholic Church truly believe and teach?" I simply wanted the facts, nothing more, nothing less. I had absolutely no intention of converting. Absolutely none. So, that night, I asked her, "What is the Rosary exactly??". She explained it to me in excellent detail. I had no problem with it after her explanation.

From that point on, we did nothing but talk about the Faith. She explained to me that the Church didn't not rely solely on the Bible alone but on the Bible, Sacred Tradition, and the Magisterium. While I was a baptist, I was told that Revelation 22:18-19 proved sola scriptura because it stated that no one was to add anything to "this book" nor take anything away. However, when I inspected it closely, I saw that there was no way that it could have meant the entire Bible. I knew that the Bible wasn't put together until much later so there was no way that John could have known that what he was writing would have been put down in scripture. So, the warning at the end of Revelation only pertained to Revelation, not to the whole Bible. From that moment on, I took a closer look at Sacred Tradition.

I never was without my Bible. In fact, I read it so much more in earnest now that I was investigating the Catholic Church's claims. I enjoyed reading Scripture and I always prayed to God that He show me His Truth, that He would help me, regardless of where that was at. After discussing with Lauren about purgatory, I had no problem with it because it is a place or state of final purification for those who are Christians. The scripture verses that were used to prove it were the same as the ones for the Judgment Seat of Christ where the bad works are burned up (1 Corinthians 3: 11-15). Which means that purgatory isn't a second chance place like I was lead to believe.

Besides discussions with Lauren and Scripture reading, I also read many things by Catholic Answers and stuff from EWTN, especially Scott Hahn's transcripts of talks he had done. What he said was very compelling and I found myself becoming convinced about certain things, especially the Eucharist. It was around this time that I had also met Henrietta Netta who also introduced me to a guy named John. He sent me some very good Catholic links, especially to libraries of the writings of the Saints and the Early Church Fathers. I read one of the writings of St. Alphonsus Ligouri on the Will of God which I thought was good. I didn't find anything in it that wasn't true.

In spite of that though, I was especially curious as to what the Early Church Fathers believed. So, I started to read them, fully expecting them to be baptist…WRONG!! I was scared and shocked. They were Catholic in belief, especially on the issue of authority and the sacraments (the Eucharist). In fact, it was after reading Scott Hahn's transcripts, St. Justin Martyr's explanation as to what the Eucharist was, the Scripture passages that were used in support of it, and much prayer that I became absolutely convinced that the Eucharist really does become the Real Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of Our Lord Jesus Christ. That was such an awesome realization for me to have made but at the same time, I was scared.

I continued to study, talking to Lauren and the rest, watching EWTN when I got the chance, and prayed a bunch. After I would get offline, I would often times sit in my bed, thinking over everything that we had discussed and the stuff that I had read. This was a time of contemplation for me, in which I would argue to myself the reasons for and against the Catholic Faith. Sadly, I still thought that this must have been a trick of the devil. I couldn't believe how right the Church actually was in many of these things.

The other sacraments made sense to me once I took a hard look at the Papacy. This is the clincher. It all boils down to this: who has the authority to interpret Scripture and proclaim the Truth to the World? I became convinced of the Primacy of Peter and Apostolic Succession. This scared me even more. I  was still trying to hang on to my old prejudices.

By the time that Christmas came around, I knew that I couldn't remain where I was. The last time that I received the Lord's supper in the baptist church was on Christmas Eve. In all the other times that I had taken it, I was at peace afterwards. Not this time. As I took the cracker and grape juice, I wished for one moment that they would become the Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity of My Lord. After I had wished that, I became sick with headache and dizziness. I didn't feel well at all. In fact, I was spinning. I knew that at that point, I could no longer take the Lord's supper at the baptist church ever again. I also realized that, I wasn't just understanding what the Church believes and teaches, but that I also was believing them myself.

This is what scared me the most, the knowledge that I probably would have to become Catholic. In fact, Henrietta told me that the night I met her. I didn't want to hear that at the time. I really believed that the devil was doing this. But, as I continued to read more and more and more I became much more convinced of everything except Mary and the saints. I couldn't fathom praying to anyone but God. In fact, I believed that it was idolatrous to pray to someone other than God.

However, little by little, that view, that wall came tumbling down. I reflected and prayed on those things, especially the Marian doctrines and the communion of saints. The Marian doctrines were the hardest for me until I saw that there is more than just one way in which the Church interprets Scripture. The most common way is to interpret the Scriptures literally but then there is another way. It is the mystical interpretation such as typology. It was the typology and the implicit information in the Old Testament that helped the Early Church to define the doctrines of the Trinity, the Incarnation, the necessity of Our Lord's death for us, and several others.

I found out according to Scott Hahn that the Early Church Fathers had a running theme in their writings concerning Mary, that of being the New Eve. Just as the first Eve helped to bring sin into the World, the second Eve helped to bring life into the World by saying yes to God to be the Mother of the Son of God, Our Lord Jesus Christ. This is what the term Co-Redemptrix means: cooperating in the redemption by saying yes. This is Mary's role. Also, she is one of the most powerful intercessors because she is the Mother of God. She isn't at all on the same par as Christ since she is a created being. However, she is the greatest woman who has ever lived. The Immaculate Conception and the Perpetual Virginity of Mary made sense when I saw how Mary is the New Ark of the Covenant. Just as the old Ark had to be pure and spotless and no one could touch it (in fact, one did and he died on the spot), the New Ark had to be even more spotless since it (she) would be carrying the Word Incarnate, Our Lord in her womb for 9 months.

In spite of the fact that I had accepted the Marian doctrines, I still couldn't grasp the notion of praying to the saints. Then it happened, and I realized that we are surrounded by not just God and the angels but all the saints, our elder brothers and sisters who aren't dead but alive (the Mount of Transfiguration) and are praying for us. That is what the Communion of Saints is. Since they are alive In Christ, we can petition them to pray for us. That is exactly what it is. It isn't worship. Worship is adoration. Worship is the sacrifice of the Mass in which we offer ourselves as living sacrifices to God as well as our tithes, offerings, and the bread and wine which becomes the actual Body and Blood of the Lord. That is worship. Asking someone to pray for you isn't. Wow, that was a beautiful thing to realize.

When I had finally understood it, I asked Henrietta if she could send me a rosary. I had begun to pray the Divine Mercy Chaplet but I couldn't bring myself to pray the rosary until I got a little one in the mail. I started to pray the rosary every day one set of mysteries each day. Praying the Rosary solidified everything, I knew that God had led me to His Church through reading the Early Church Fathers, the Bible, my friends and other apologetics stuff. I came to believe that we are saved by Grace alone, through faith working in love (obedience to all that Our Lord commanded), in Christ alone. The assurance that a person has is totally in Christ, that is, it is a moral assurance, trusting in Christ totally for salvation. We can't say that we are just already since the Bible warns us that we aren't. That is, we can't presume our salvation (1 Corinthians 4: 2-5). However, this doesn't mean that a person is in constant fear of damnation. If the person is in the state of grace, that is, he/she has confessed all mortal sins and is continuing to be faithful to Christ, that person is confident that he/she has been saved, is being saved, and will be saved. It is a process, not a one time event. The initial grace is given in the beautiful sacrament of Baptism in which we become adopted sons and daughters of God. This was such a comfort to me. I knew that I just had to trust the Lord, keep from sin, and when I do, confess that sin (soon I will be going to confession), and repent.

The History had shown me that there had only been one Church, the Catholic Church. She has developed and matured over these many centuries. That doesn't mean that doctrines have been added. What it does mean is that in the original deposit of Faith that the apostles passed down to their successors, all the doctrines of the Catholic Church were in it, either explicitly or implicitly. As time went on, the Church contemplated the mysteries and defined doctrine when it was needed such as at the Council of Nicea when the Church declared that Christ is one  divine person, and has two natures, divine and human. This was in response to the Arians who denied that Christ was fully God as well as man. There are many other examples like this but the key is that the Church has protected, proclaimed, and preserved the Faith. It was the Church that decided on the canon, making an infallible decision. If they can be infallible in the decision on the Canon, then they can be infallible on other doctrines as well because Our Lord promised that the Gates of hell will not prevail against the Church. He protects the pope from teaching error when he speaks ex cathedra from the Chair of Peter.

I knew that I had come to an ultimatum, it was either I become a Catholic or I reject the faith entirely. I chose the former instead of the latter. This decision came about a couple of weeks prior to Easter Vigil. Unfortunately, there was a wall, my parents. They believed that Catholics can be Christians but they also believed that much of what Catholics do is false. That was to be a problem. It still is a problem. I had hoped to have been received into the Church at Easter but that wasn't to be. When I could, I went out of the house to go to Mass on Saturday afternoons. I loved the Mass and I hungered for the Eucharist. During Lent, I would go during the week and pray before the Blessed Sacrament. I even spoke with the pastor at the church once on a Sunday for about 30 minutes. I tried to explain to him all I had learned...how I was already Catholic in heart and mind. He said that I should concentrate on getting a job (I have a job now working at Starfire, a jewelry and figurine shop), getting my license (I'm  still learning), and become independent. Also, he told me to sign up for RCIA and meet a bunch of Catholics. I didn't want to go through the RCIA program. I have heard to much stuff about it that I hadn't liked. I was disturbed by the fact that the church didn't have a crucifix behind the alter (they have a statue of Our Risen Lord) and other things there that I was disturbed by.

Unfortunately, my family and I had to move from the house that we lived at and moved to another one which was to far from the church for me to walk. So, I knew that I had to tell my family sooner or later but I needed to meet someone here in the Jacksonville area that could help me out with talking to my parents, support, etc. Well, one night in mid June, I had a strong feeling about e-mailing Mario Derkson at Catholic Insight Page. I told him that I was desperate, that I couldn't go on like that, being secretive about my desire to become Catholic. I was still having to go to the baptist church. Well, he e-mailed Andrew Holt who then e-mailed me back. He promised to help me in any way possible.

As a result, I was able to tell my dad and show him some books to read. He began by reading Born Fundamentalist, Born Again Catholic and Rome Sweet Home. Of course, it raised more questions than answers so, my parents and I met with Andrew and a couple of others on July 4th. Since that time, my dad has read more books and I am now currently going to Mass every Sunday. I have yet to be received into the Church but I know that it won't be to long. I just keep trusting in Our Lord which is all I can do. My family hasn't been to pleased with my decision but they have accepted it. In fact, my dad gave me his blessing. Things are going well for me. It is only by God's grace and the power of the Holy Spirit that this has come about. I have come to love Our Lord Jesus Christ in an even more profound way and His Church--His One, Holy, Catholic, and Apostolic Church. May we pray that the Holy Spirit will help others to see this too so that we will be truly one. :)

Well, much has happened since I last wrote this story.  On Febuary 28, myself and several other people from the RCIA went through the Rite of Election, one of the first steps to be received into the Church.  Then we went to St. Augustine to the Cathedral to be received by the Bishop himself.  For several weeks, I waited in anticipation for Easter to arrive.  On Passion Sunday (the Sunday before Palm Sunday), I received my first confession.  Wow, what an awesome experience to know that ones sins are absolved.  Father was so kind and helped me through it.  Then, this week arrived.  Holy Week.  This most Holy of weeks has been very special. When I went to the penance service on Tuesday, Holy Thursday Mass, Tenebrae, and  Veneration of the Cross on Good Friday, I knew that my time was drawing nearer and oh my...the thought was so overwhelming for me.  :) Today, April 3rd, 1999, Holy Saturday...I was completely received into the Church...confirmation and First Holy Communion.  Thanks be to God...My family was there.  My mom, dad, and my sister and brother (my other brother is at Vanderbilt).  Words cannot describe how I feel.  Such a peace overflows from my heart. I was so filled with Joy..and still am as I write this just after getting back from the most awesome and important night of my life. Thank you all for being there...and those who were there in Spirit.  Thank you Rob for coming all the way from Atlanta to see me and for everyone else.  I thank you all..for the gifts I have received :)  Oh my...again..words cannot describe it :)  Thank you Jesus, Thank you Mary, Thank you St. Catherine of Siena, Thank you St. Thomas Aquinas, Thank you St. Thomas  Becket, Thank you St. Francis of Assisi, and thank you..all the saints that have prayed for me.  As I have said before, I have come to love Our Lord Jesus Christ in an even more profound way.  I love Jesus. I love His Church.  May we all be one.  This is my prayer.  I pray that the Holy Spirit will indeed fill many hearts with a love for Christ and a love for His One, Holy, Catholic and Apostolic Church.  I also pray that many will come to the Church who love the Faith and want to defend it.  The only way that this will happen is through the Awesome Power of God, the Graces that come through prayer, through sacrifice, and through the Sacraments.  I ask all to pray for the reunion of all the Church so that we may be an even greater witness for the Gospel, for Christ, for the Church. I ask this all through Christ, Our Lord. amen

Not to long ago, I wrote a poem at a time in which I was under much fear and stress about telling my parents.  Well, times have changed and so has the poem.  Here it is in its entirely.  I am greatly indebted to Cardinal John Henry Newman for his beautiful hymn, Lead, Kindly Light. The poem tells of my feelings and joy of  finding the Truth.  :)

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