It was my profound blessing to be born into a strict and devout German Catholic
family. We were members of a strict German Catholic parish, my
brothers and I attended strict German Catholic school, Bill and I for 12
years, Jimmy somehow managed to talk Mom and Dad into public High School.
My fondest memory as a child was to see my Dad kneeling at his bedside for his night prayer before retiring to bed. Many other fond memories remain, Sr. M. Helena, Sr. M. Francis, Sr. M.Celeste and one not so fond, Sr. M. Clara, who wacked my knuckles with a ruler when I made a mistake at the piano. (I still don’t play) One thing haunted me and that was fear of dying and going to hell. When there was talk of the end of the world I would feel such panic. I was afraid I’d sin and then die before I could go to confession. This one fear began to multiply into more and more fears and at one point I was afraid of almost everything. This started at about age seven and some remnants still remain, but more about that later.
St. James Catholic School was the beginning of my Catholic Education and we were taught well...... Phonics, Palmer Method et.al.. Scholastic tests were a breeze because we were always prepared for them. The Sisters were dedicated to teaching even though a times they seemed to forget that the mind they were molding was encased in a body with feelings and fears. Catholic High School offered new challenges. I met Mother Clotilde who taught me Chemistry and geometry and told me that I should be a nurse and that set the pattern for my professional life. I continued on with the Ursuline Nuns at Junior college before entering Nurses Training, at a Catholic teaching Hospital. There was no lack in Catholic training for us. My parents sacrificed to see that was done. (Pv. 22:6)
In the early seventies, a young Priest came to our parish and lead several of us in the Baptism of the Holy Spirit. Spirituality came alive in me and I discovered the Word of God - His Love Letter to His children. The big surprise was to find that we were all so full of the Word, we had heard Scriptue at daily mass every day of our lives and even on Saturdays. Passage after familiar passage opened up to us and we were thrilled. As soon as our pastor, Msgr. Klasner, who had presided at my Mother’s catechism classes before she converted, had married my parents and baptized me, found out what was happening....well Father Richard was transferred to a small mission about eighty miles away and I was called into Msgr’s office. He said with his index finger on my xiphoid process, “Don’t tell your father what you’ve done. We’ll get this “thing” out of you!!!” I was petrified. This “thing” as he called it was dear to me. I had two choices, fight or flight and I chose flight.
I began to look for a place where I could worship with my hands raised
and experience the charisms A safe place where the Holy Spirit
would be free to move and manifest as He pleased. I tried United
Pentecostal, Assembly of God and Holiness without much
success. I settled for a little Baptist church which didn’t know
what had hit it. Not only was I charismatic but I was Catholic to the
core. When the pastor asked me to join his church and be baptized,
I promptly retorted, “Oh no! I was baptized at six days old and
I’ll always be Catholic. Why, it’s my nationality!”
Poor man, I don’t think he ever recovered. But it was a challenge
and he took to it with a vengeance. They were going to “save”
this misguided young woman and I began to buy into it. Sounds pretty
good to someone full of fear of dying and going to hell when she hears,
“Say this prayer and heaven is assured!” So I prayed the
sinners’ prayer and then was told that I was saved--- forever.
No matter what great sin I committed, I was assured of heaven. They
call it The Security of the Believer. It didn’t take long
at all and I began to slip quickly from my Catholic roots and broke my Mom
and Dad’s heart. An empty gnawing deep within me replaced the
fear of dying and going to hell.
After about 6 years, I moved on to a nondenominational Rhema type church.
Which at least was Spirit filled. I never lost my hunger for
the Eucharist. Holy Communion was infrequent at all the churches I
attended but something that represents Jesus could have never taken the place
of that which IS JESUS.
By this time, I had married a divorced man and had two sons, David
and Michael and was rearing a stepson, Darin. We were one happy family,
but so much was missing in me. The children all experienced a relationship
with Jesus and my sons were baptized in the Catholic church although not
reared as Catholics. They are all Christians, but not Catholic, so
far. That indelible mark is there from their baptism and will always
be there.
I earnestly studied the word of God. (2 Tim.2:15) It was alive in me (Heb.4:12) and I truly grew spiritually, but that gnawing persisted. I was very active in every church, I ever attended. Did lots of ministry ‘ and I became a real “Prayer Warrior”. Even led a lot of them in the sinner’s prayer believing myself, by now, in the security of the believer. Hope God continues to let me find those folks and undo what I did in ignorance. Although my method was bent, my heart was sincere and I saw the Hand of God move many times. I was deeply involved with a group who helped people who needed deliverance and we again saw the Hand of God move mightily many times.
These type churches present a really “happy” Gospel and I liked that. I won’t go into detail about the deception which I was taught but most of you know what I mean and if you don’t, I’ll be happy to explain it to you on a one to one basis. God is there and He loves these folks. I long for them to know and experience the fullness which I have now. Perhaps they will accept the Grace which God so freely offers, perhaps they won’t.
When my children all went off to college, I went back to work as a Director of Nursing, and our marriage began to deteriorate. After twenty years, plus, of marriage, I discovered that I was being replaced by someone I knew well. I was devastated. What would I do? I cried and decided there was nothing I could do but to just turn it all over to God, and I did. I remember calling out to God one night, “Please take this mess, which I call my life and make something beautiful out of it!!” And here is what He did. (Ps.22:25-26)
In June of 1994, my sons and brothers packed me up and moved me to Florida
from Illinois. My youngest brother had lived in Florida for 26 years
and I was familiar with the area from visiting him every year. I began
to attend a large Word of Faith church here and things settled down.
The divorce became final about 3 months after I moved to Florida.
As I sought God about my future, I read in Psalm one ,”Blessed is the
man who sits not in the counsel of the ungodly”, so I surrounded myself
with the most Godly people I knew. I had been told by these Godly
people, that I must forgive. I was determined to do just that.
What I didn’t know was that I couldn’t forgive without accepting
the grace which God was offering me. Somehow I did and He has
allowed me to live and experience what forgiveness awards and
all that freedom and joy it brings.(Ps.130:3-6)
In the meantime, my children and friends began to migrate to Florida. My stepson Darin and his wife, my daughter-in-love, moved to Lakeland , where she is a disc jockey for z88.3 Christian radio. My granddaughter Meghan, 11 months old moved to Ocala and brought her Mommy and Daddy, my son Michael and his wife Becky, with her. Michael and Becky are inquiring about the Catholic Church and Meghan’s baptism - Praise His Holy Name!!!!!!. So God’s plan for our family seems to be unfolding. David, my youngest son and his family are still in Fort Wayne, IN but we are not giving up. My lifelong friend, Jan, is seriously thinking of moving to Ocala, and we’re not giving up on that either. She is also interested in our Catholic Church.
In the summer of 1996, I was becoming more and more dissatisfied with the teaching I had so gladly received all these years. It seemed that everything spiritual in my life was beginning to unravel. (1 Thess.5:19-22)
God’s plan was unfolding and a friend of mine, Joanne, had returned to the Catholic Church. She invited me to go with her to a Catholic Charismatic Conference in Orlando in October of 1996. I decided to go. What did I have to lose? I found myself with a bunch of singing, praising and joyful Catholics!!!! On the way down in the van, I was wondering, “What am I doing here?” and then they started praying the rosary!!!!! It brought back a lot of memories and started an ember glowing in my heart which had never gone completely out.(Jer.23:29) They asked me to pray with them, and guess what.....the fourth glorious mystery. Our Mother also has a sense of humor. She knew I had believed a lot of the propaganda taught about her. God had plans about that, as well.
As the first evening progressed, I began to feel very much at home. At mass the next morning, I so wanted to receive communion but knew I couldn’t. I didn’t tell anyone what was in my heart. My friend who had invited me guessed when she saw tears in my eyes. She shared that with the group who suggested that on Sunday Morning I should go up with the rest of them and cross my hands over my heart. They said that Father would know that I could not receive but give me a blessing.
The sessions were great and the praise and worship was wonderful. During
the last session on Saturday evening I was getting so full that I had to
get alone with Jesus and reason with Him. (Is.1:18-19 and Jer. 29:12-14)
Something was going on and I knew that he knew what it was.
I went to my room and in the quiet, He began to speak so clearly to me.
He said,” My daughter, you have broken vows, vows made for you
at Baptism and repeated by you at your Confirmation. I will love you
no matter what you choose to do, but if you repent of the rebellion which
brought you to this crossroads of your life and return to me and my church
and keep the vows which you have broken, I will cause the gifts which
I have given you to be used as I have planned.” (Ecc.5:4, 1 Sam.15:23
and Jer.29:11) Then in the silence I began to write what He had
said to me. When JoAnne returned to the room, I read to her what My
Lord had said and we both wept.
Next morning I awaited with great anticipation for communion time.
As I approached Father John Fink, I had no idea what was about to happen.
I walked up to Father with my hands crossed over my heart, he
looked up at me and his eyes widened. He placed the ciborium on my
head and said, “My daughter you have left your first love and broken
vows. If you repent, the gifts which I have given you will be
released and used as I planned. I will love you no matter what you
choose to do.” (2 Cor.13:1) I began to cry and didn’t stop
until I got back to Ocala and continued to breakdown for the next two weeks.
As soon as we were back in Ocala, I began plans to see what needed to be done for me to return to My Sweet Rome. With the help of those wonderful Charismaniacs, an appointment was made for Reconciliation and one with the Pastor. Since I had not joined any of the other churches while I was lapsed and there were no impediments, it was a simple matter and I was reconciled. My penance was to read the great book, “Surprised by Truth” and the tears started all over again. The Church granted me an annulment in 1997.
I wish I could tell you that it has been a smooth road, well it hasn’t ,but, it has been an exciting, fulfilling, refreshing, rewarding, delightful and dynamic road and that is much better than smooth. I did like that “Happy Gospel” even more than I realized and the transition was difficult but what was pointed out to me is that walking from the darkness into the light is always difficult. Most people do not really want truth, they want comfort. I want truth and I want to be holy - I hunger for Holiness!!! (MIC.6:8)
The first time I walked into Blessed Trinity, I was walking in - because I wanted to be obedient to My Father God. I wanted to please Him no matter what the cost and thought I was giving up any chance of Ministry. Remember, when I left, Vatican II was not fully in swing and lay people weren’t in Ministry at least not in my Strict German-Catholic Parish. It didn’t matter, I was willing to do anything needed to be obedient to God. The gnawing in my heart had changed and now it was beginning to evolve. Would I be content to sit back and be still? Well if I had to.........................Praise God, I didn’t have to!!!!!
After about a year of orientation and faithfulness, God began to open doors to me. But we can’t pass by the first year without telling what did happen. I was like a sponge. Reading and listening to everything recommended by my grounded friends, Scott Hahn, Steve Wood, Tim Staples, Father Phillip Scott and on and on. And what a gold mine of information it was. I attended every Conference I could related to Defending the Faith. This was wonderful, and the desire to get “fed” by someone else’s errant interpretation of the Gospel each Sunday morning and Sunday night and Wednesday night , began to ebb in deference to something Greater and more permanent, daily Eucharist and truth. That is what feeds me and that is what keeps me.
Little by little the Lord began to release me to do His good pleasure. Father Bill Halbing came down from NJ and helped us start a Bible Study after conducting a Walk Through the Bible in the Summer of 1997. I became a facilitator for the Bible Study and we use the Navarre Study Bible. What Truth!! What Wisdom!! What Knowledge!! I thought I knew the Word, but now I’m beginning to KNOW THE WORD!!!!! The wrong interpretations are so wrong and so empty compared to the true interpretation. The applications are so fulfilling and foundational. The early Church Fathers are dynamite. Now, I can’t remember what that “happy Gospel” was. I have the truth and nothing is better or happier.
All the wisdom of the Magesteriam has caused my walk to be so firm. Having confidence in Our Holy Spirit to guide Holy Mother Church is a joy with such freedom. I love this Roman Catholic Church with all my heart and will defend her to the death if necessary.
The desire to be ready to give a defense was answered in September of 1998. I faithfully watch Journey Home on EWTN on Friday nights and tape it to be able to watch again. In September Doug Trout from Emmaus Roundtable in Cleveland, OH was the guest and he explained the format of their group. I contacted them on my new computer and they responded to us just like the Apostle Paul must have responded to the early church. They have helped us to start our group and even though we are still fledglings, they are patient and loving and faithful. Always ready with an encouraging word and sage advise. We hold them in high esteem.
Well Emmaus Roundtable has been like the icing on the cake for me and the rest of our group. For me, being involved in apologetics has made me grounded and now, as our first Pope exhorted, I am ready to give a defense (1 Pet. 3:15) and fulfill Proverb 27:17 Iron sharpens iron as one man sharpens another.
I am grateful that my Father God is so interested in the details of my life, my desire is that all would know this imtimacy with HIM who FIRST loved us with a love we cannot fathom.(Ps.8:4-10 and Heb.2:6)
LOVE AND MARANATHA,
trish